Dust tales
petak, 16.08.2013.
Napoleon Bonaparte and kids
 Dear life, I think is time for me to seek medical attention. My gut is hurting me so fucking much. I remembered a fact I knew about Napoleon Bonaparte I , he was always pictured with his right hand tucked inside his jacket between buttons pressing his stomach. He has an ulcer. I wonder why they didn’t kill him outright the first, or even the second time they captured him. Why put him on a island in the middle of nowhere. I went to the cinema yesterday. I watched Elysium. It is really nice film, I really loved it. Before that I spent a couple of hours with my son. We tracked all over the city looking for Gormitis for his collection. Finally we found a store which was open, since it was a holiday here, and bought a couple for him. He was whiny and cried and didn’t want to do anything. I think its a shock for him to be with me after such a long time in my absence. Need to work harder to overcome that. Need to lay down now. I just awoke on hour ago and it hurts me so much to stand or sit. I can’t work and its a fucking problem. |
èetvrtak, 15.08.2013.
About suicides
 Dear Life, things are getting tougher by the day. Yesterday I couldn’t sleep till it was four a.m. I woke up around twelve , set on my work desk and couldn’t seat straight how nauseous I was. Fuck I really hate this shit. I just keep being nauseous and my sleep patterns are all shoot to shit. I signed the contract yesterday. I’m moving to another country next month. I just talked to my ex and she isn’t happy. She just keeps referencing how I’m going to hurt my son by moving to another country. The same son she didn’t let me see for three months because I was seeing someone else. The same son I can spend three hours a week being nobody. The same son I cannot provide anything while I’m in this country in this city and in this shitty situation. My girlfriend, well on of them actually, she also doesn’t want me to go. The other girlfriend (or is she an ex now?) she is happy for me, my parents are happy for me, my closets friend are happy for me. I signed that contract because I don’t want to miss an opportunity in life to advance my self and be someone. I really need to make at least a couple of thousands euros a month or more. I just like making money. I have the talent, I have the skill, I have the knowledge and the experience to make good. Why not take it? Why not being someone? Of course my ex is right, my relationship with my son, shitty as currently is, its going to hall if I do that. And I’m going to lie if I say it doesn’t bother me. On the other side, I know a lot of kids whose parents live and work in another country, its kinda a regional thing here where I live. I don’t have big things to say today. Nothing much happened yesterday. I worked, I watched a really great French TV series “Les Revenants” about people coming back to life in a remote village and those who are alive trying to deal with them. It was a really great social drama to watch. I especially liked the character Simon who committed suicide at his wedding day and later his ex who hallucinated him for like ten years just stabs him because she can’t deal him being here. And her new husband Thomas a police chief just shoots him. Wow, tell me about selfishness. I can’t deal with you being here and messing things up, I’m going to kill you. Of course the guy is a revenants so you just can’t kill him that easily so he keeps popping back. The series has eight episodes which I watched yesterday all evening (with skippings) and I also started watching the Americans an show about Russian undercover spies in the eighties in America. Wow, that brought back memories. I am a cold war, Vietnam war TV generation guy. I miss those glory days. I must confess during the toughest parts of my divorce, especially when I was forbidden by my ex to see my son and she made me do a psyche eval and really thought about offing my self. By slashing my wrists. What does the matter of my chosen suicide methods tell about me. Of course I didn’t do it. I like life to much. I listened to a Freakonomic a podcast about stuff. And one episode was about suicide and it told that that the majority of suicides happen in advanced countries where people don’t have to struggle for daily survival. What fucked up looser we are. |
srijeda, 14.08.2013.
Yippie-Ki-Yay!
 Dear life, today is a better day then yesterday. I woke up at nine thirty in the morning and started working. I work from home, so nobody checks on me – which is good since I’m throwing up most of the time and filling awful the rest. I work for a couple of hours and then I have to lay down and rest. I fucking hate it. I will never take and anti-depressants, ever. I spent one month feeling awful when I started taking then, and two months now feeling like a doormat for a fucking army. My personal and business lives are in shambles. There are good lights though. I spent some time with my son on the beach, and then went to the cinema to seed “Pacific Rim” in 3D. The last 3d movie I saw was Horror on Elm street (some number, I can’t remember) when I was twelve in my home town. It was nice, but hard on my eyes since the viewing experience is different from normal. I had to fix my head on a specific position and focus on non focusing my view, if you get my meaning. And of course, I just signed a two thousand euro contract with a foreign company. Which on the down side requires me to move three countries up north, which on the up side leaves me in a country which has legalized prostitutions which will leave me free from dating and all those awful emotional entaglements and low sexual expectations which are the norm here in Croatia. I did some research as I was laying being sick. There are a couple brothels and a lot of escort girls which do also FFM pairing which is the first thing I’m going to do with my paycheck. The price is really low , so Yippie-Ki-Yay! Its a kinda of ritual that the only thing I do when I lay down is to masturbate, watch porn and look for prostitutes. Hmm, that is probably a really character deficit. Or isn’t it? If some moral Christian double face reads this , I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of ugly comments. Well, any reader is a good reader. I saw a really beautiful blonde on the market today. She was selling vegetables and fruits on a stall. It was raining and I was lounging bellow the cover inside the open market and ogling her. She was dressed as a peasant girl, cotton shorts, cotton undershirt and some ugly shoes. I’m not partial to that style, but hey she had great long legs, smooth and white, small breasts and a beautiful gentle face which ended with locks of curly blonde hair. Should have asked her out, but was afraid to do so. That’s a thing I need to fix on my self. What is the worst that can happen, she could just say no. Well , in my defense I’m dealing with a withdrawal, panic attacks from the impending movement and missing my son who I don’t get to see anymore which makes me behave in abnormal and erratic ways (see my sex addiction above). The last girlfriend I had said I was the fucking nicest guy she ever was with. Hmm, actually a lot of them say that. I was a nice guy, not anymore. I just fake it, because I don’t have the emotional strength to actually be in a serious or any kind of relationship with any one, male or female (I do get a lot of gay, bi-sex male request ... weird I’m not really gay or attracted to men – probably since I was orally raped by a man when I was kid – that guy is on my hit list). My apartment is a mess. The bed is completely broken (like all sides on the floor), don’t know what to do with that. The landlord is going to kill me. The sink is covered in several days of unwashed dishes and the floor is filled with tobacco bits from my rolling. I will clean it this weekend since I really can’t stand it, but I’m felling nauseous all the time so extended physical activities are out of the question. Did I say I really hate my life right now? No? I hate it. Now, I said it. I hate my life right now. Do you want to know how I want my life to look like. Probably not, but I’m going to tell you regardless. I wish to love somebody. I wish that person to love me. I wish to be happy with my self, my job, my apartment and the person I’m with. I want to be with that person, travel, talk a lot, solve problems and have crazy good sex with her and her friends (ok that maybe a sexual fantasy, but its my dream life gorram!). |
ponedjeljak, 12.08.2013.
I just stopped using anti-depressants
Dear Life, |
